Wow. I am truly sorry that this issue got you so upset. I've written a more involved response that got too big, so I made it a new post.

Anyway, I'm sorry if that story above is not apocryphal, and if it really did happen to you, it's just awful. If it did happen, I hope you'll stop blaming yourself and get help for yourself to deal with it. Even if the story is 100% fiction, I will do the thing I would do in any situation where I think poker is bad for someone — tell them so. To you, roryk, I say that you should very seriously consider getting out of the poker world. It's clear from your writing that it is hurting you — that the mere idea of it is despicable to you. There is no reason you need to stay in it. You are a very bright young man who could make a go at any career your heart desired. I hope you'll chose to do something else. Or, at the very least, get some help dealing with this psychological fact that you simultaneously loathe something that deeply and yet strive to do better at it.